This has been on my mind for about 2 weeks.

I got told in a discussion at work 2 weeks ago, that no-one really knows how I feel about anything, and that they find me difficult to gauge.  Apparently I’m transparent on the surface, but that no-one really gets to know exactly what I’m thinking or feeling because I close people out.

Now, because someone comments about how rude that person is… LOL… it wasn’t the usual suspects that said it, those people only see the transparent side of me.  We have a team of psychology people (Organisational Development they’re called) who help with team dynamics etc… and she was the one that said it.  For some reason I find it easy to speak to her, so she ‘gets’ me more than anyone else in the company does.

And now back to my little ramble… she’s right. She’s very very right.  I think the closest people will come to understanding me is by reading this blog.  Sad that. Especially because I’m not saying everything here either because of other people’s egos now.

And I’ve been thinking about what she said since then.  It hasn’t been intentional.  I didn’t set out to do it.  It just happened, and now it has to continue.  I have to.  It’s the only way to protect me.

I used to be like this as a teenager, and then at varsity it changed, and I became more me. But since working at this place, it’s come back.  And I’m doing it more and more. And I know it’s probably not very healthy.  In fact, when I do let my guard down at work, I end up in tears, so the wall has to be rebuilt.

I’ve been trying to think of why, other than the usual things that would cause it, and I think one of the main reasons is loneliness. It’s such a lonely place to work.  Every other place I’ve worked, I’ve had connection with a small group of people.  But not here.  Maybe it’s because of the way I was brought into the company, and I’ve always had such strange roles here.  Who knows?  Whatever the reason, the fact remains… it’s a lonely place.  And so, I’ve built a wall.  And the stupid thing is, I know that with the wall, no-one will really know me, so how can it stop being lonely… and so the cycle continues… it’s a vicious circle.

OK, enough of that!!  Promise next post will be happier