The Real Jenty

… I wish I did photography full time.  I got asked this morning, by a client, when I’m going to take the plunge… and the truth is I’m not ready.  It’s a scary thought, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to earn enough from it… I also think I would have to consult to top up my income.  And I don’t think I’m ready to consult until this project I’m working on is complete.  And then I’m hoping I’m not too old.

Don’t knock me for the age thing… it’s a serious worry of mine… there’s an age thing in my head about funky women photographers and I wonder how sustainable photography would be for me.

Then I got home from the shoot  this morning (which was postponed in the end anyway), and on the way I got an offer for a wedding in the middle of the week, which I had to turn down.  I had to turn down another offer for today from a corporate because I actually need to spend at least 2 hours a weekend with my kids… and I completed an invoice for a company whose function I’m doing in September only because it happens after working hours.

There’s just so much business I’m starting to turn away during the week, because it’s just not possible.  And in fact, I’m even turning away weekend work now because I need some family time too.

I hate turning things down… but I’m still not ready… not yet.  I wonder if I’m ever going to be ready.

I took the dogs for walks this weekend… Lance was too lazy and watched sport instead

Yesterday we went to a park close to the house, that’s known as a dog walking park. It’s really overgrown with long veld (grass) and overgrown jungle gyms at the moment (they do cut the grass randomly). And it was a perfect spot for them.
They were a little hesitant at first, and the first time they walked through the long veld they both sneezed (was too cute), but they loved it. We (me and the boys and the dogs) had the place to ourselves apart from one other mom teaching her kids how to ride their bikes. So it was perfect.

Today however was a different matter entirely. Bradley and I (Connor was napping) took the dogs for a walk around the block. It was such a different experience. They were petrified! They both froze everytime we walked past a house with a barking dog, and once or twice Kitara actually started running in the opposite direction. In fact, I had to carry them past 2 houses!! And they’re HEAVY now!!!
Anyhoo, after we got past most of the big dogs, they started enjoying it and we were actually running with them

But now, Lance reckons she’s traumatised… she’s wimpering in her sleep. Poor mutt
I told him he has to take them for a walk every day now… and to start… this week it has to be the park.

That’s right… you read that right… after 37 years of existance I can positively attest to have been stuck in a lift (or elevator for my US readers).

And let me tell you, it was not a pleasant experience!

It happened about half an hour ago, and the cappucino that I’m busy drinking has managed to stop my shaking… and the fact that I’ve blasted someone at facilities (and they’re going to fix it apparently, and I spoke to the person in charge of the people who are supposed to respond to the lift bell and they’re going to sort that out too).

So now that I’m calmer, this is what happened…

I parked in the bowels of the earth, so I took a lift in a parking garage to get to the ground floor.

The lift had started moving from -2 to the Ground floor, when the lights went out and the lift stopped.

That’s right… THE LIGHTS WENT OUT!!  I was alone in the lift.  Used the light from my cell phone to find the emergency button.  Rang the bell… no answer.  Then the lift started dropping, it wasn’t fast though so I was still calm.

Then I tried to use my cell, but there’s no reception.  So I tried to tweet, but not even enough reception for that.

I’m really not sure how long I was in there in the dark… ringing the bell endlessly with no response, but couldn’t have been for longer than 10 minutes.

Suddenly the lights come on, but still the buttons wouldn’t work.  Then the lift dropped again.  Then finally the lift started working again, and I was on -3 but the door wouldn’t open… and then it let me press G again, and went to where I was supposed to go.

I think I need wine actually! This coffee isn’t really doing much.

It’s been a rough week.  I’ve heard terrible things, and spoken to friends and hugged friends both virtually and in real life…. there are terrible and sad things going on in my world.

Let me give you a run down of just today’s conversations… and yesterday and the day before was no better

• Someone’s mom died
• A blogger/tweeter’s mom is seriously ill
• A friend went for surgery to remove a cancerous tumour and I’m following her progress on Facebook
• Another blogger/tweeter’s grandfather is seriously ill
• I visited a home and discussed a baby which might not make it
• I spoke to a friend who had been in an abusive relationship and I never knew at the time
• I spoke to another friend about getting help after she did a terribly frightening thing 2 days ago
• A friend’s family member is in hospital after having a cancerous tumour removed
• Someone I’m close to has got to go for a biopsy

I did a lot of crying today

I read about the Violence Unsilenced blog a few months ago, and I went to read a few entries that day. It’s an incredible blog. It’s written by people who have experienced some kind of domestic violence, and people use the blog to recount their stories. It’s about speaking out.

Then 2 days ago, one of the bloggers I follow, posted a link on Twitter to Brian’s story.
While I can’t personally relate to the story, it struck a cord in me. One of my greatest fears is that my boys experience something like he did. And that they perpetuate what they experienced.

It’s such a difficult thing to teach your kids what to look out for in life. There’s a fine line between getting them to understand gently and scaring them shitless.

But teach them we must. Even though I don’t want to explain “why” at times. Even though it’s uncomfortable. Because it will save them a lifetime of pain and asking why.

I got an email from him after I commented on the post, and he said “hold your boys close”

And that’s what I’m going to try and do.

I wasn’t the brightest smartie in the box today, by any stretch of the imagination.  I went scouting today for a photo venue, after a client said she wanted to have her family portraits taken at the James and Ethel Gray Park near Melrose.

It’s only now, after editing those photos, and actually thinking about what happened that I’ve realised how really stupid I was!

I went tootling off to the park at lunchtime today, armed with my camera and 50mm lens.  Alone.

I park in the first parking area I could find.  Random strange cars already parked there with, oddly, men on their own in them, and I’m feeling uneasy.  But do I stop?  Of course not!  This is me you’re reading about

So I start walking with camera, camera bag, keys and cell phone.  I pass a lady sitting on the slope and ask if it’s a safe spot.  She says yes, she sits there every lunchtime, and tells me where the path leads (which interestingly led all the way to Melrose Arch). So I carry on.

I take photos, and plenty that I love.

Then I spotted him.  The dude that had been sitting in his car, next to mine, was now on the big grass bank.  He spotted me and moved to the other side just out of my sight.  Anyhoo, to cut a very long story short, I decided that I needed to get out of there, and skedaddled back to my car, noticing that he’s now following me.

The reasons I’ve now thought I was more than stupid about this expedition:

1.  No-one knew where I was!  I normally shout out to the world where I’m going…  on twitter, facebook, foursquare and sometimes I even actually say it out loud to whomever will listen.  But today, none of that.

2.  I didn’t even tweet from the park.

3.  I actually walked right past the desk of a fellow photog and tweeter, and I know Unixel would have come with me… but did I ask him… no!

Imagine something actually did happen?  No-one would have known where to start looking for me!

Utterly utterly stupid!!

But the photos were good

So, you know my hairloss story… it hasn’t changed

My dermatologists appointment is on Tuesday.

In the meantime, I’ve been considering my hairstyle again.

I hate it!  I look like a frump.  I cannot get my hair straight even after using a straightening iron forever.  And if I do get it straight, its all fluffy and crap within an hour anyway, so what’s the point. 

Lance thinks I should go short again, and so does Madi.

The thing is, it’s a age thing.  I know I know, it’s all in my mind.

I’m not getting any younger, and the only people that have short hair are older people.  And I don’t want that yet.  Even my hairdressers lately have said that only older women have short hair.  I don’t want to surrender to the idea that I’m getting old.  As it is, that’s the major factor for me not giving up my job and doing photography (I have yet to see an older successful female photographer)

I’m close to 40 you know! I’m on the downward side of 35 now… it’s closing in quickly.

But then, I saw this photo today on Kat‘s blog. MY GOD, how stunning is that haircut on the makeup artist!!

And then I’m tempted all over again.

I went to Louisa‘s house yesterday to drop off her photos and over a cup of coffee we were discussing some of the scary stories she got told when she was pregnant, and how she stopped people from telling her.

Then a little later, she mentioned that someone had asked her, after Nicola was born, whether she’d heard my stories.  Until then she hadn’t realised that I’d had so many miscarriages and nearly lost Bradley and then Connor being in NICU etc etc.  And she was surprised that I hadn’t said anything.

The thing is I believe that every mother has a story.

At some stage, every single mother has had a problem.  Whether it was during pregnancy, or birth or feeding or pooing or whatever.  And in addition, every mother has a different story about each child they have.

Now I know I talk a lot.  If asked, I would have told her my very long story.  However, my story is a scary one.  And it’s not likely to happen to everyone, so until a new mom is ready, I won’t be telling her my story.

It would put her off pregnancy and babies for a long time actually.

And that’s why Louisa didn’t hear it then.

However, she heard parts of it yesterday And I think she gets now why she didn’t hear it sooner (apart from the fact that it’s not the kinda thing you talk about on Twitter )

And talking about mother’s stories… I’ve just read this on the DPS blog… and it’s truly inspirational.  It’s called shoot to live.  I took quite a few photos of Connor when he was in NICU and I’m glad I did, but this mother’s story is amazing… this is why photo-a-day is a good thing to record your kids lives even though it’s a schlep and you think they’re trivial things you’re recording… you never know if they’ll do that particular thing again.

I think I want to change the project 365 name to Shoot to Live after that actually!

Yip, that’s me… I’m stressing about the wedding I’m booked for in Feb already!!

I went to the venue today to scout around for creative shoot locations… and I forgot to look for somewhere to do the family photos!! I even remembered about the one specific photo they requested… but to find a location for the family photos completely skipped my mind!

Arrghhh!! It’s not like I have time to wander around on the day!

To be a portrait photog is one thing… a wedding photographer is something else completely!

The whole timing thing on the day is stressing me out more than anything else… and I shouldn’t blog about it either, because I know they’re following my blogs!

I should be fine though… I know what I’m doing… I know where to go for the creatives.  It’s just daunting! I did that other wedding so long ago!

A friend of mine was stressing just as much a few weeks ago for a wedding she was booked for.  At the time I thought, how silly to be so stressed… she’s an excellent photographer… she’s ultra creative (much more creative than me)… she’s done umpteen couple shoots and portrait sessions… it’ll be a walk in the park for her!

And now I’m sitting sheepishly in the same boat.

And talking about Wedding photographers… when I was looking around for examples of photos done there, I’m shocked at how badly photographers use their sites and blogs! The post I did about the venue just now is almost on the front page of Google already!

There’s a photographer who seems to take photos there regularly, and only one of his weddings comes up on Google… I had to go hunting in his site for the rest! It’s so so silly!

Some of the comments from my post yesterday about leashing Connor when shopping reminded me of a story I got told at a kids party the other day, and also reminded me that I hadn’t blogged about it yet. This is a true dinkum story even though I haven’t heard about it in the news… a friend’s husband got told the saga at a local policing forum.

This used to happen a few years ago in this country, and I haven’t heard this kind of thing happening in a few years, but apparently the cops are very worried about the increase in child trafficking in anticipation of the World Cup next year.

Anyhoo, this is what happened a few weeks ago in a major shopping mall close to where I live in Johannesburg.

A mom was shopping in a large department store with her 3 year old little boy.  Boy was running around while she was browsing and looking at things on shelves.  She turns around to look for him, but couldn’t find him anywhere.

The mom went to the tills and the manager got called, and he had the sense to lock the store down to look for the child. They apparently closed the front doors and back doors stopping staff from leaving too.

After searching the entire store, the child was eventually found… and where you may ask…

… in the staff toilets in the back of the store.  He was found on the floor of a loo, drugged, hair shaven off and in different clothes already!  He was ready to be removed.

Absolutely FRIGHTENING! I’ve heard stories like that before, but kinda thought it might be an urban legend… but clearly it’s not.

And so, even more reason for me to leash Connor to stop him from running off!