I’ve been struggling with a cold for the last few days, and I can’t seem to shake it.  It’s just not bad enough to go to the doctor.

So tonight, after the cough mixture just wasn’t working and I was continually coughing, I thought I’d nebulise myself… it works for the boys… well…

You seen, what I’d forgotten, and remembered just now, was that Combivent was the stuff the hospital used to stop the contractions when I went into labour with Connor at 34 weeks.  If you didn’t know me then and didn’t read my blog then, I was in the labour ward for 4 days while they tried to stop the contractions.  By the fourth day I was just shaking all the time from the stuff, and the gynae said that if he wasn’t born that day, that I would have heart failure because my heart wasn’t coping.

Well, as I sit here typing up this blog post, I’m feeling the same way…  All fidgety and shaky and getting heart palpitations… scary shit!

And memories of all those days of being hooked up to machines… and lots of visitors… and struggling to hold pens to play Sudoku came rushing back…

So, guess I won’t ever be doing that again, will I?

But the coughing has stopped!

I’ve just watched this video on Natalie Norton’s blog, and have to share it… it’s what I needed to see today

And before you jump to conclusions… we did not leave the rat poison out for the Huskies!

High drama in the Verster household today.  I got a phonecall from Beauty mid morning to tell me that she’d looked outside to see a torn up rat poison box/container (you know those white ones) and the poison scattered all over the lawn and the huskies standing watching her as she shrieked.  Fantastic… considering I had a full day of meetings booked.

So anyhoo, I rushed home after phoning the vet and discovering that even though we weren’t sure whether they’d eaten any, that they need to go in for a checkup. After chatting to Beauty… and being on the phone with Lance trying to figure out where it may have come from… I gave up on the guesswork and just took them to the vet.

They stayed there for a few hours while they were made to vomit everything up.

The vet says that she didn’t find any pellets in their vomit, but I’m sure they ingested some considering they ate the cardboard container (they both love to eat paper and cardboard).

There are a few theories about where the poison came from…

1. someone threw it over the wall…

2. one of the poison boxes that we had installed in the kitchen a few months ago managed to miraculously get to a spot that the dogs to get to (and we’ve checked them all and they’re all accounted for)…

3. the pest guys may have put a box in the roof, and maybe a bird trying to nest dislodged it.

Anyway, whatever caused it… they’re now fine thank goodness… and they’re VERY happy to be home.  In fact, when I got them there, Kitara recognised the place first and started cowering, and then when they saw the cages they had to go into, Kimo just shrank back completely… I’ve never ever seen him look like that ( it was too sad.

And because I can’t blog without a photo… here’s an instagram image of Kitara from this afternoon at home…

So if you’re a friend on Facebook and you follow me on Twitter, you probably know that Bradley is ill.

He’s been ill since Wednesday last week, and the doctor said on Friday that it was a viral infection causing his headaches and vomiting. Then he started getting better, and all was good.  But then, he got worse again on Sunday night.

On Monday he spent most of the day in bed after starting vomiting again from about 4am.  He’s NEVER spent that much time in bed.  Ever.  So Lance took him to the GP (I was in a 5 hour meeting at work), and this time the GP tested him for swine flu.  So, he’s on antibiotics, and hopefully we get the results soon.

He was remotely better today, and actually managed to keep a small bit of food in, but not much.  And again I wasn’t at home… I was in an all day offsite which I felt I really needed to be at because it would have been severely career limiting not to be there considering what’s happening at the moment.

And the mommy guilt you may ask… apart from the fact that I haven’t really been around, which is enough guilt anyway…

You remember a few months ago when he was being bullied at school, and he was vomiting some mornings trying to stay at home??? Well, my first thoughts on Monday morning were exactly that!! That he was faking it, and there was something at school he didn’t want to face. In fact, I thought that until about mid morning when I spoke to Beauty and he was still vomiting and hadn’t got out of bed!! Then Lance got home to take him to the doctor and he phoned to tell me how bad Bradley looked then… and then it was clear that this was serious.

So anyhoo, I feel like crap right now, so I think I’m going to stay at home tomorrow to look after my little boy… and stuff everything else!

When I saw this video on Deb‘s blog, I just started crying.

Someone very close to me has just started her chemo treatment for breast cancer, and this just hit home.  Thinking of her so very much at the moment, and really praying that last sentence in the song “Just make it go away” and knowing that it will because she’s such a beautiful woman with a beautiful family and it just has to go away.

I’ve been a little scarce on this blog recently.  I haven’t really had time to blog… and read blogs (you should see my poor reader)… and I haven’t quite got the blogging groove at the moment.  But time is a big issue, and in the last 2 days I’ve been more than rapped over the knuckles for it… and need to get it off my chest (while my Mac is trying to sort images out for me on it’s own and I have 5 minutes to spare while I wait)

A few months ago, Marcia and I agreed to do a bit of a talent swap.  I’ll do a few photoshoots for her in exchange for a few life/success coaching sessions (btw look at her portrait photo on her blog ).  Last night was the first session.  She asked me LOADS of questions and I’m left with homework.

One of the things I had to do was run through a typical day.  One thing that struck me as I was doing it, is that we’re pretty organised for my photography thing, and Lance helps me A LOT!! But it’s very clear that I’m busy and I hardly have time for myself.  In fact, the only downtime I really get is in the evenings, on the way home from work, when I have some tea with my mom when I get there to pick the kids up.    Oh, other than the time I spend alone in the traffic.

But we really didn’t dwell on that bit last night, there was too much else to discuss.

This morning, however, I had my regular gynae appointment, and I spent quite a while updating her on my hair loss issue and the endochrinologist stuff I’ve been through in the last year and a bit.  She put the spanner in my works.

She asked me when I have time in the day for myself.  She asked me when I spend quality time with Lance.  She asked me when I exercise.

I had to answer that I don’t do any of the above.  Apart from running around when I do photoshoots

There aren’t enough hours in the day.  Seriously.

It needs to change.  Something has to change.

I took the boys to the dentist this afternoon.  It’s been far too long since our last visit, and in fact it was Connor’s first time.  I know, I know, I’m a bad mom.

But that’s not the reason for this feeling of guilt that’s just eating at me this evening.  And it’s not even my fault really, but that’s not stopping the guilty feeling at all.

Bradley has to go back to the dentist next month to have seals put on his back molars.

The last time we went to the dentist she told me to make sure he brushed his back teeth properly.

This time it was a different story.  His molars are now there, and I didn’t realise they’re his adult molars.

The problem is that the enamel hasn’t formed properly on them, and they’re going to be problematic if he doesn’t have them sealed now.

Before she told me the problem, she asked me whether he’d been ill for an extended period or had had a lot of antibiotics.  It kills me to know that the time that he was so sick and ended up with Steven Johnson syndrome and probably also all the antibiotics he had for his ears (but more than likely the sulphur and Steven Johnson issue) caused this lifetime problem ( because that is when these teeth were forming

I know it’s not my fault, and we did our very best to find the reason for him getting so sick… but it still doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty.

I’m giving up on the 30 day challenge… the questions are daft…

Anyhoo, this week has been a mare…  I can’t decide if I’m coming or going… but I know for a fact that I’m WAY WAY behind on editing shoots (

• Spent 2 nights trying to sort out my admin which was LONG overdue… so that my tax guy could do my tax returns… and I actually caught up all the way until my current shoots!! And I’m proud to say that for the last 2 days I’ve been keeping it up to date daily.  Lets hope it continues, cos I don’t want that nightmare again!
• Anyhoo, my tax guy told me I should think about consulting now… and going into photography full time… LOL!! I wish… he’s not the one with 2 kids in Private School next year!
• My parent’s old lab, Robbie or Robbiebobs, died yesterday morning.  Everyone is very sad, and I had to explain the whole story to Bradley last night.  It wasn’t easy explaining to him about them taking Robbie to the vet to be put down because he couldn’t walk anymore etc, but Bradley was finding too many holes in the story that he died at their home.  In the end he cried himself to sleep last night   As for Connor, he was a naughty little shit last night… and when he got to bed, he also asked me many questions about Robbie… and that explained the naughtiness (  RIP Robbsie my boy (
• My photo blog stopped working last night.  I couldn’t post any images. After a short panic, I chatted to Henti via Facebook (he managed to fix my blog a few weeks ago too after Dreamhost sent me such a technical answer that made no sense to me at all)  and he went hunting for the problem.  In the process he discovered that my blog was being hit by someone in Asia… directly in the uploads folder where all the photos reside.  They’re not accessing via WordPress so they’re bypassing all the image security I had available to me.  He’s managed to lock it down completely now, hopefully, but I’m not sure what to do about this whole thing yet.  This follows on an email a few weeks ago from a web company telling me that 2 random companies have requested registration of my domain name for about 11 Asian sites… all very weird and worrying now.
• Anyhoo, I owe him BIG time because after he helped me until 1:30am I finally read the Dreamhost blog only to discover that it’s a problem on all their hosted sites… and it wasn’t me after all!! What a waste of time!! And I had so much to do last night!!
• And this is all on top of everything happening at work… which is hectic at the moment…. and all the shoots I’m getting booked for.

Ooh, and I had a follow up visit with the endo this morning about my hairloss from a few months ago.  My treatment has been adjusted, cos my hair has grown back… and now the hormones are causing the acne etc.  Apparently I’m a “special” case and he can’t treat me just per the blood results as my body seems to always to the opposite to what he expects… and I’m extremely sensitive to 2 hormones in particular (DHEA and andi-something-or-other).  I also now have quite a drastic lack of Vitamin D, and still short in Iron… oh and wait for it… my cortisole levels are now too low (which means I’m digging into my stress reserves now… been under stress for too long now) and my insulin levels are dropping.  In short I’m a mess.  I now have to follow a low GI diet in addition to the stuff he’s given me.

Anyhoo, onwards and upwards, I have 6 shoots to edit, and a wedding and a newborn shoot this weekend!! But first,  I need to sleep…

OK, I surrender… I’m stuck… got such a blogging block it’s not funny.  So, I think I’ll join Gina and Sally‘s meme…

Below is a list spanning 30 days, each day asking a question or setting a topic which must be answered truthfully.  Not sure about all these questions… but hey, I need blog fodder and it’s about time I wrote about positive things on my blog again.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

So here goes…

Day 01 ->  Something you hate about yourself

OK, I think this one has to be physical.  I hate my stomach… and I hate the condition of my skin.

The second one is not being helped by the fact that I have bad scars now from last weeks fall (well, where the sores have started healing… yes, I still look like I’ve been in a bar fight or car accident and I get strange looks from everyone).

But my skin… just hate it!! I’m 38 goddammit… I shouldn’t have skin like this anymore.

So I had an accident this morning. I tripped over my own feet.

The problem with the story, is that I was running the dogs at the time. So everyone naturally assumes that it was the dogs’ fault. Their first thoughts are that the dogs pulled me down and that they’re too strong for me to walk.

Thing is, I think they forget who they’re talking about.

I have never been the most elegant person in the world. I always have accidents where my feet are involved.

I mean, for pete sake, I managed to crack my elbow a few years ago because I couldn’t get my feet, note feet, out of my cleats while we were practising for a bike race. The bike just toppled over… Slowly… And I cracked my elbow!!

Today, I tripped over loose paving on the side of the road. The dogs had been pulling at the beginning of the walk, but at the time I fell, they were gently trotting along to my pace. The dogs were actually fantastic. They stopped immediately and were very gentle all the way home.

I am a wreck however!

My shoulder, arm, hands, jaw and knees are shredded. My shoulder, jaw and wrist are thankfully only bruised.

I eventually relented this afternoon and went to the GP to get checked out. He gave me a tetanus injection, dug a few tar stones out my hand and knee; and gave me a whole pile of painkillers, anti-inflammatories and skin antibiotics. Can you say OOOWWW!!?! My God that was sore!!

And I’m generally just feeling sorry for myself.

So I’m going to bed early tonight, and hopefully my jaw won’t be too sore to eat supper.