Gosh, I didn’t realise until now how long it’s been since I last did a blog post. It’s been almost a year. My blog has been in the shadows but now it feels like our whole life is the shadows too!

I really haven’t felt like writing until now. I didn’t think I had enough to say after sharing what I needed to on Instagram via photos and in my video based Stories.

Today is the end of day 6 into the supposed 21 day lockdown in SA (I’ve got a feeling it’ll be postponed), and I feel the need to write again. I started a daily photo journal on Instagram about 2 weeks ago, but typing on a phone is tedious compared to using an actual keyboard and there’s just something about writing things down that’s therapeutic for the mind.

Life feels like it’s in limbo at the moment, and I don’t like that feeling at all.

Everything feels like it’s on hold

The kids are in limbo and aren’t at school. I’m working and not #WFH like the rest of the world. My photography business is on hold while we’re in lockdown and it’s stressing me immensely because I need that income. I can’t see my parents or the rest of the family because we’re not allowed to leave our homes unless we go essential shopping. I can’t even walk the dog or run around the block and that’s making me and Kimo mental.

It’s hard.

I feel guilty when I go to work and leave the house with the kids in it. They can’t leave at all, not even to come grocery shopping because only person is allowed in the car at any time. They can’t even run around the block. While we were social distancing before lockdown, B was actually running 5km to get out the house and they were walking Kimo regularly.

I feel guilty leaving the house in a mess because I just don’t have the time to do the housework. And when I have the time I don’t have the energy, but I recognise that I need a break.

I’m repressing the need to feel anything about the risk I bring into the house by me going to work and shopping, and thereby potentially being exposed to the virus and bringing it back home. If I think about it I get teary and hyperventilate. Life however needs to go on, and I need to work.

In another breath, I recognise that I’m lucky that I can actually leave the house and I’m not there 24/7. And then I feel guilty again because I’m lucky.

I’m going to start blogging again as an attempt to get my thoughts into perspective again, and this time it’s not about who sees it and who shares it. Blogging is a little more than a dead thing now and I get that and accept it. But I feel the need to write, and if my kids read it in future years it’ll be for them to remember what happened.

I think it’ll take a while to get into the groove of writing again… gosh I feel raw now having actually published this.